we are living in exponential times.

the times, they are a-changin'.

you simply can't pen it better than bob dylan. that song gives the blood in my veins a reason to course.

i've come to enjoy that life is change. life is the constant manipulation of each variable conceivable at all possible moments. life is the ever inconsistent pattern the universe seems to follow. no matter how much of our existence seem to be the same, something is different, augmented, altered.

and... it's coming for me; change is waiting to explode out of some unexpected annex of society.

good change.

change so good, i'm not sure i'll be able to handle it.
 
the times, they are a-changin'.

people are peculiar and i often find myself emotionally attaching to them.

i may have lost my groove again. i held onto it for so long and rode it out as long as i could. but, i feel, the time has come to where i must abandon the path i have made and tread a new one.

i kind of enjoy the randomness of it all.

one of the people, that i must emotionally abandon, is this guy named mikey. don't ask why, but, i developed a sincere crush for him and the effects of his personality. he's not queer. well, i'm pretty sure even though, you can never be too sure. Either way, i justified everything he did to fulfill my internal desire for him to like me back. hell, even to just lust me back.

however, the reciprocation of flirting has ended and i'm beginning to feel more used than anything.

i'm stepping out of the box of my inner child and being the responsible adult. being the adult.

it's uncomfortable and unfamiliar.

but, i must draw the line. you can't fuck with someone's emotions for too long or they snap.

i don't want to get to that point. i'd rather end what we have at the rising action of the story than reach a negative climax and an unhappy resolution with an awkward denouement. nobody likes that shit. it's just not nice.

i think the best solution is to move on because, for all i  know, he was never flirting with me and was just using my intelligence to help him progress in class.

it'll take some convincing but, i'm pretty sure i can get myself to believe that i had simply imagined it all along.

i picked UC Santa Cruz.

i'ma slug, bitches.

:)

I have to pick between SF State and UC Santa Cruz within a couple of weeks. They are such opposites I can barely stand it. Big city versus little city. Busy busy busy versus relaxed, laid back, and smoking pot. The city life versus the beach life. Apartments versus dorms. Alligators versus slugs. The parallel of opposites could go on forever.

Dear god, I can't get that George Michael's song, Faith, out of my head.

"Well, i guess it would be nice, if i could touch your body. / I know not everybody, has got a body like you."

I am very lucky; I have trouble sleeping at night because everyday it seems is the eve of something wonderful.

tomorrow begins the cosmic countdown.

18 days until i turn 18 years old. it's so exciting that i just peed a little.

i am exhausted in all senses of the term.

my body is sore all over. new muscles are tired from being recently developed and old muscles are tired from being recently used. My throat and voice ache from talking and my ears are tired of hearing loud melodies of cacophony. my feet are weary of wearing my jazz flats. my ass is tired of sitting on that shitty bike seat. i think i may have bruised my tail bone on that thing.

my heart is sore from my over zealous expectations, my mind is overworked and underpaid, my soul isn't being acknowledged to its full capacity, my spirit can't seem to find that connection, and my inner light is considering switching from candle to fluorescent.

however, i still see chances everywhere and i think that is the difference.

once you lose sight of possibilities, you lose sight of yourself.

if we had as much voice in what we got as we do in what we want, i'm not sure how much better off we'd be but, i think we'd all believe we were happy. and a delusion of happiness might as well be happiness if you never know the difference, right? but, is that the risk you take, the possibility that you may wake up one day and understand that your entire life has been one mistake built upon another. your entire foundation of everything that is right in the world is ignorance and bliss upon a pile and heap of dishonesty and denial. that is a lot of pressure to find a plane of existence where perfection exists.

kinda scary.

i'm going to go shower and embrace my sleeping bones.

So, i'm rehearsing two plays right now.

rehearsals for Jungle Book are pretty exciting. Especially because of a tall, punky, queer named Shawn.

rehearsals for Drop Dead! are going well. The show is so intense and physically demanding. i'm exhausted.

I was cast in Shakespeare's As You Like It and the musical, Guys and Dolls at my high school. Parts remain unknown and elusive.

so, for about a week i will be in four shows concurrently and for a period of two months i will be in three.

the scary part is that no rehearsals or performances overlap. i just have to ride my bike very fast to get from point A to point B in a short amount of time but i can do it.

i haven't done this much theatre all at once since i was a sophomore.

things will be... interesting.

Dreamgirls is pretty much amazing. i'm sure i could be a bit more eloquent but my cadence is lost in my awe of the soundtrack.

i saw my grandma today for the first time in a few months and it was kind of disheartening. I feel like now, more than ever, she's getting old. I'm almost 18 and she's almost 78. when i think of my grandma, i am always 5 and she is always 65. this shit is crazy. suddenly, i'm the adult and she's the child. she can't open things, she has trouble putting things away, she gave me my christmas present in a brown paper bag because gift wrap was too complicated, she gets tired so easily, and the list just goes on.

i guess i'm just worried for her. i mean, at what point will things become too stressful and she has to be in a home?

however, it's 2007 and i am excited.

you bitches have no idea.

: )

christmas is certainly not what it used to be but i'm beginning to like it more now than i did when i was little. looking back, it seems so much more commercial and superficial. Now, i can put effort into reminding people that they are forces i need in my life.

i have two book reports, an essay, and a huge powerpoint to work on this break. i've yet to fall behind though so merry christmas to me.

i think i'm going to like this coming year.

i really do.

i am very lucky to have the community of friends that i do.

without them, i would starve.

no fucking joke.

i haven't gone biking in weeks. i think i'll go take me a shower and then go for a ride.

i want to go somewhere new.

i also need to go shopping. i haven't done any christmas shopping yet. i wish it wasn't so stressful. i wouldn't mind not getting until january or even at all. i mean if someone wants to just make me a card, that'd be totally fine.

i think i'll make presents this year.

hmm. who knows?

i'm in one of those moods where the world seems amazing and wonderful beyond my perceptions and everything negative seems only temporary.

i feel like everyone is just waiting to smile.

waiting for me to say something to make them laugh and be happy.

i found a poem the other day and at first i didn't like it but then i read it again and it captured me.

i hid it somewhere. somewhere only a few people would think to look.

it makes me want to write poetry and leave it on a napkin somewhere.

i think i'm going to the next time i go out to eat.



by the way, my cat is hella cuter than yours:

god, i need to sing.

i'm going to go to san francisco state university.

in about 10 months, i'll be living in an apartment, working, and going to school in the city.

can i even tell you how excited i am? can i even express how long i have waited for this moment of realization?

it feels good. so good i may have to dance around the house in my underwear.

please, feel free to let out a scream of joy.

life is exciting.

i am making my first pumpkin pie of the season.

there are so many reasons to smile in the world. right now, the good outweighs the bad.

i have been feeling extremely philosophical lately. so much in fact that i have opened up my own school of thought. however, it is too radical and extraordinary to divulge in one sitting.

instead, i will sit here, drink my cranberry juice, and be merry.

today was a crystal ball. Everywhere i looked i could see bits and pieces of the future. It was amazing to suddenly understand the things going on around me and how everything is in a delicate balance and how that balance quickly shifts back and forth without ever actually stopping.

if only it were snowing.

it's the big things that make my days better but it's the little things that make my days amazing. there are moments where everything seems like it has finely reached an equilibrium.

i hope the scale never balances for long. i'm rather fond of the volatile flow of activity in my life. it gives me something to look forward to and to expect. in the end, everything changes and i can deal with that. i can thrive on it.

in about three months, i'll be 18 and that is a change i am greatly looking forward too.

i want to watch "eternal sunshine of the spotless mind" and drink soup with someone.

sometimes, i miss living with my mom because she's the type of parent i could hang out on the couch and watch a movie with. plus, she'd probably make the soup because she loves to cook.

my dad's the kind of guy who sits on the couch all day watching "everybody loves raymond" then takes a nap and gets up to finish the day off with "king of queens".

we don't connect.